I started my New Year’s Resolution … is this an April Fool’s Joke?

Did you “fall off the wagon” with your New Year’s Resolution? It’s April 1, and you may feel like the joke is on you. This year, I told myself that I would start learning how to write more blogs and creating more content. I started, stopped, got stuck, and here is my first blog on April 1. So, maybe the joke is on me. This may seem silly that I even put this out “so late”, but writing this blog is a small act of change for me to post versus waiting for the writing to be perfect or the timeline to be perfect. It is my attempt to build what James Clear calls, in his book, an “atomic habit”. I am trying to put into practice the truth that life is a process of transformation and not a lose or die situation.

As a psychotherapist, I have seen firsthand how shame negatively impacts clients’ attempts to change and grow. For many, the typical New Year’s resolutions often centers around the need to fix or overhaul something “bad” about us. Whether it’s losing weight, quitting a habit, or changing a behavior, the underlying message is that we are somehow not enough as we are, and it needs to be taken care of now. This urgent energy can often lead a punitive shame-based focus on self-improvement that can set us up for a cycle of self-criticism and self-contempt. When we inevitably encounter obstacles or fail to meet our stringent goals or change our behavior in a significant way, we can fall into a spiral of self-doubt, negative self-talk, and further entrenchment in the very patterns that we want to change. This not only harms our relationship with ourselves but can also lead to withdrawal and isolation from others, further impacting our mental health and interpersonal relationships

Instead of fixating on what we need to change now or eliminate immediately from of a place of self-disgust, what if we shifted our focus to learning and growing into more of who we long to be with incremental steps? This approach entails pursuing a lifelong transformation over time vs checking off the accomplishment of some goal to determine if we are “good” or “worthy” enough. By taking the pressure off of us to get things changed quickly, we can accept that time and small changes will compound to create change down the way. Instead of needing to look a certain way, be rich enough, or successful enough (the win), the pursuit and experience of learning and exploring becomes the pay off and we begin to live well. This change in perspective transforms a resolution from a task to accomplish to a life of discovery, exploration, and growth, which can reduce the pressure and negative self-judgment that often accompany traditional resolutions because crushing the speed of change is no longer the goal. Instead, the longevity of the change is more important.

This year, what if you and I attempted to learn about something vs “get better”? There are some people who I love and respect who choose a word or concept to focus on throughout the year. They take an attribute or quality they wish to cultivate in their lives and read books on the topic, take a class on it, or engage in intentional conversations with others throughout the year. Focusing on a concept rather than a specific, measurable goal can allow for more flexibility and adaptability. It encourages us to integrate this quality into various aspects of our lives, whether it’s in our work, relationships, or personal growth. Neuroscience has discovered that our brains look for patterns from our experience and the things we find important to predict the future. Our attention is honed to see certain things, and we start to notice them in other contexts more readily. Just like you start to notice that everyone seems to have the same car that you just bought, so too when you start focusing on a concept or a body of learning, you begin to see its connections to a myriad of parts of life that you had not noticed before. For instance, if one chooses ’empathy’ as their focus, they might find themselves wondering what others experience in more situations than they previously used to, and they might be more compassionate in their own self-reflection as their brain is more sensitive to the topic. At the very least, this focus on a specific concept will give them a topic of conversation for every dinner party they go to for a year.

But, you might ask, doesn’t change require some type of goal and discipline? If we are just “nice” to ourselves, will we really every change? I heard someone recently refer to discipline as “caring for your future self”, which shifts discipline from a punitive tool of self-criticism to one of self-compassion. Their perspective allows us to set goals and work towards them, even when things get difficult, with a sense of kindness and mindset that is focused on our future good. This approach encourages a healthier, more sustainable form of self-improvement that is in harmony with our mental and emotional well-being.

So, as we continue with this year, don’t give up on your New Year’s resolution. Start small, keep going. As, Clear writes, “… the point is not to do one thing. The point is to master the habit of showing up.” If you keep showing up in your life, you might be surprised at the life you create.

Caleb